“Thank God it’s just an EP.”
In what’s been one of the best years in quite a while for music, it’s only fitting that the slamalicious brain rot of Infectious Jelqing will cap it off. Slam is already a big enough meme these days, and a bunch of skinny wannabe Vanilla Ices from Indiana are taking that to the furthest extreme possible. Before you brush it off due to this genre’s longstanding reputation for being the Epic Movie of metal, at least consider that Infectious Jelqing are the Sharknado of slam. So unbelievably and intentionally horrendous, that it’s good to a default. One can only guess if the budget for this project was funded through selling reefer on the median strip in Evansville or breakdance street performances in the middle of Indianapolis, but whatever the case, here we are. Infectious Jelqing has graciously violated our ears since 2022, and what better way to bookend the last several months with a release that digs through the gooners and burns through the zoomers. NUCLEAR SLAM DIVISION couldn’t possibly be a more abrasive outing from a group that’s become renowned for obnoxiousness, and with Thanksgiving right around the corner, this promises to be much more entertaining than your boomer uncle’s talking points about Jewish space lasers being responsible for the Maui wildfires.
All respect to a group that fully owns up to exactly what they are. Infectious Jelqing do not attempt to be anything other than off-putting, which is what undoubtedly piques the interest of so many people who can stomach their brand of sensory overload. JBL Partybox horns, overproduced instrumentals, hip hop beats, and samples that sound like they were written by Dana Carvey, ergo: the true pinnacle of musical triumph. Even more impressive? Their willingness to explicitly acknowledge how bad the product is. “FRIED OUT THE GAME” is rife with so many self-deprecating samples that you inadvertently begin to realize how much better the raw quality of NUCLEAR SLAM DIVISION is compared to the many edging-sympathetic slam counterparts that have regrettably made it to tape over the years. The only real critique is the equalizer-devoid bass drops. Be more responsible Infectious Jelqing, those four-year-olds in China worked very hard with no pay to make the car speakers you just broke!
Nothing about NUCLEAR SLAM DIVISION, nor Infectious Jelqing’s discography in totality, has a single hint of irony. “NUCLEAR SLAM DIVISION (INTERLUDE)” is a lo-fi trap bridge with soft bree-bree vocals. In other news, I pooped today. There is no limit to this brazen approach to stoner slam, and tracks like the aforementioned embody every distasteful aspect of what is arguably metal’s most hated subgenre to the point of giving it undeniable charm. That alone warrants a massive amount of credit. Listeners will come for the reputation, stay for the concept, and return for the unintelligible dissonance. Say what you want, but at least Infectious Jelqing have never claimed to be a good band. The same cannot be said for many other acts like President and Shit Token (check spelling).
Hats off to Infectious Jelqing for knowing damn well who the target audience is. “DUMB & IGNORANT” and “GEEKED UP PLAYING XBOX ALL DAY” will bring divorced dads and unemployed gamer bros together like Ron L. Hubbard did with half of Hollywood. While not condoning cult followings whatsoever, there couldn’t be much blame thrown around for those who end up being morbidly enamored with Infectious Jelqing by the end of NUCLEAR SLAM DIVISION. Ultimately, it could be worse. Somewhere, a bunch of Bad Omens worshippers are wondering what kind of deodorant Noah Sebastian uses, and whether they should start using basic hygiene implements themselves. Conversely, proponents of Infectious Jelqing are merely high on their couches in shibori shirts, watching neon wallpapers on their TV. Which company would you rather keep?
You see, NUCLEAR SLAM DIVISION, in every respect, is as polished as shiny shit can be. Kicking off the opening track with “This is about to be the lowest rated album on RateYourMusic.com”, only to have a refuting Anthony Fantano sample of “Thank God it’s just an EP” immediately follow, gives this green dream of a record its full identity in the opening seconds. Even if this isn’t your cup of tea, at least some appreciation must be given to Infectious Jelqing for not shying away from amalgamating the worst stereotypes of slam into something that feels like Cheech & Chong, smells like Action Bronson, and sounds like Kanye West off his meds. All of this is to say, the normal course of action for such a record would be to award a high score, solely based on deliberate output of gold-plated garbage that still sounds better than most modern-day slam. But alas, Infectious Jelqing has directly stated that this will be a panned record, and who would we be not to oblige?
0/10
NUCLEAR SLAM DIVISION has released as of today via Camo Hoodlum Records and is available on all streaming platforms. You can also make this the lowest rated (album?) here.